Blog: Commissioners Vote to Move County Seat (Satire)

The Md Department of Planning and the MD Department of Housing and Community Development really went too far this past week with their Agenda 21 based plan to encourage sustainable planning practices throughout the State --- they designated the City of Westminster as a Sustainable Community!

One of only five municipalities so designated, this move by the State was just too much for the 5 Carroll County Commissioners, sometimes referred to as "the Fighting 59th" and the "Unsustainables".

Commissioner Richard Rothschild led the discussion during an open meeting by saying that he "had enough of this stuff from the Governor and his minions". Rothschild said that he had an uncomfortable feeling since taking office about meeting in the County Office Building, located on Center Street within the City of Westminster limits. "I have never felt right about our presence here in this progressive depot of Smart Growth and tree lined streets." Sealing the fate of the rest of the meeting, Rothschild quoted MD Secretary of Planning Richard Hall, "When I talk to people about GrowthPrint and PlanMaryland, these are the types of communities that I describe."

Almost on cue, Commissioner Haven Shoemaker moved to move the County Seat and all County agencies to Hampstead in his 2nd District but it was pointed out that that town had recently decided to use porous pavement sidewalks in its revitalization plans. Commissioner Robin Frazier countered that Taneytown in her district would be a better location but then Shoemaker snidely retaliated by pointing out that that City had just completed a SHA sponsored main street revitalization and reconstruction project. 

Commission President Doug Howard moved that the County Seat be relocated to Eldersburg where he personally defeated citizen’s plans for a walking / bike trail. He crowed about making Eldersburg resident Ross  Dangel "eat his dust" and "that no darn pedestrian paths were going to be built in his election district so long as he was a Commissioner." 

The matter looked settled until Commissioner Dave Roush awoke from his deep torpor to insist that Union Bridge be made the County Seat. Although that town is outside of his election district, Roush felt apologetic about his district centering on the new Sustainable Community, so he was proud to suggest the name of the dirtiest, crummiest little Town in Carroll County, one that is home to the biggest pollution packin’ muther of any Carroll Town, Union Bridge. 

The Board of Commissioners was silenced by his passion and the utter brilliance of suggesting a location that no one on Earth would ever consider a livable, much less sustainable, community. 

Newly Appointed Director of Public Works Christopher Monckton was dispatched to begin immediate negotiations with the Heidelberg Cement Wurks in Union Bridge to obtain land for the new county buildings that would be erected there for the School Board, Courts, and County offices. Commissioner Doug Howard adjourned the session praising what a great Economic Development project this would be to mark the crowing accomplishment of the Fighting 59th.

Board of Carroll County Commissioners. Former County Media Guru and newly appointed Director of Land Abuse and Planning Jim Simpson volunteered to place an advance order for the Brass Plaques to be placed in each new building lobby, promising to seek donors from the local community to underwrite the expense for at least 50% of the projected $20,000 total costs for the plaques.