How to Win Friends, and Enemies, Too!

“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one…just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”

-F. Scott Fitzgerald.

WESTMINSTER - “I’ve never met a stranger,” Linda Long, a member of Meadowbranch Church of the Brethren, said to me after Sunday Service, “I always used to talk to people on the metro when I still worked, and my husband would yell at me for doing so! But I never met anyone that threatened me.”

Long, a retiree from social services in Baltimore, mother, grandmother—and a great friend to all who know her—loves people. She maintains administrative duties at the church and leads Bible study on Monday nights, and anyone who has even met her even once will understand her as a person with gifted social finesse and empathy.

“I always put people on my level,” she says, “that’s the secret to understanding people. Love your neighbor as yourself.”

The talent of naturally and effortlessly understanding people, making others feel loved, is a coveted skill used for good and ill alike. Sometimes it comes naturally, and sometimes it doesn’t. For me, my people skills can be hit or miss, and I always have a consistent feeling that I’m not getting the whole picture—I want to know people better, and, like anyone, get people to do things for me without the effort of persuading them to do it. But while it comes naturally for some, such ability, like anything of value, can only be gained through the hardship of experience.

But what are the best ways to reach a higher level of sincerity with people? It is common wisdom that everyone is the center of their own universe, and perhaps less common that everyone we meet we understand through the lens of our own experiences. Usually we see only the parts and aspects of people, which we personally understand and relate to—as James Joyce put it, “We walk through ourselves, meeting robbers, ghosts, giants, old men, young men, wives, widows, brothers-in-law. But always meeting ourselves.” In the end, whether we are a bloodthirsty salesperson trying to get a stranger to buy a product, or just someone who needs a friend to talk to, we are all after a basic sense of social belonging where others accept us unconditionally for who we are.

Superficially understanding people is inherently simple. But understanding people on a deeper level takes patience, humility, and a certain natural understanding of how people think. People have different cultures and backgrounds, with different social skills and idiosyncrasies than our own. Hence, diversity in populations can make understanding people appear a complex and daunting task.

Emmanuel Levinas notes in his essay “Principle and Anarchy” that “What arrives of the unknown is already disclosed, open, manifest, cast in the mold of the known, and can never come as a complete surprise,” which means that we cannot label ‘unknown’ what we already see as known—we must treat the unknown in a radically different way than we treat the known, in order to bring what is unknown into the realm of the known.  Facing the unknown is a learning process, which is not complete when we stick to safely picking apart what we already have in front of us. Learning always involves a risk of loss, suffering, and exposing our own ignorance in the midst of others and ourselves. This risk is more pronounced when we are with people that we do not know—when we are faced with the complete unknown.

To gain insight into how to deal with people on a more sincere level, I asked for advice from people who seemed to have natural people skills, in order to educate readers of this article and myself. These people, like Ms. Linda Long, possess the gift of making people their friends, have the gift of leadership, or possess a confident vibe that separates them from the rest. Their responses, shown below, offer a variety of insight, wit, and humor—but all of them seem to have one theme in common: to understand another person, try to see life from their point of view. It goes back to Harper Lee’s aphorism: “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”

Linda, Meadowbranch Church member: “Love your neighbor as yourself. Smile at someone, it won’t hurt you, but it may make someone happy. Tell someone they look nice. Talk to people and share your life with them. And let them share with theirs with you.”

Kate, Professor of English: “I always try to understand people from where they’re coming from, and get to know them on a one on one basis. All people are alike on the basis that on one hand, we want to be challenged, but on the other, we want to be let off the hook.”

James, Consumer: “You’ll never understand people.”

Kris, UMD Graduate: “The best leaders are those whose followers follow them because they respect them. Love is a way better motivator than anything else. I mean look at the greatest stories ever written. The hero or antihero always does their biggest act for love. Whether it be sacrificing themselves or being willing to go against all the odds, they do it for love.…A great way to show love is by taking the time out of your day and making time for someone else.…for me if I’m with someone then they’re the most important thing at that moment… …I’d rather be hated for being too nice than someone thinking I’m too stuck up or judgy to talk to them. So many people in this world just want to hate on others for no reason and so many people have hurt in their lives, and they can never have enough love and kind words. People always look their best then they’re smiling. I like to say I always gotta be smiling that way when my future wife runs into me, she’ll be able to find me.”

Gary, Retail Manager: “People need to be treated differently. Some people need to be given a shoulder to lean on, someone to talk to. And some people need to be yelled at or slapped in the face. Not everyone is meant to be a leader, but everyone should be treated in a way that allows them to reach their maximum potential…you have to remember F.O.R.M. [which stands for family, organizations, recreation, motivation]. Once you know these facts about a person, you can understand them for who they are—and what makes them tick. And everybody is different—diversity isn’t just skin color. You have to know which buttons to push and not to push when dealing with different people. ”

Brandon, Server: “Try to see people for who they are. I learned that if I look at my own experiences, and the consequences of those experiences, I can use those mistakes to learn and treat others better in the future.”       

Ryan, Student: “Show the traits that people like naturally—people like someone who is happy, someone who is intelligent and knows what they’re doing, someone who acts like people can be on their level. For example, a good manager will make people feel like they’re not his underlings. He’ll make them feel they can do everything he can do….to deal with people better, you must be, one, unafraid, courageous, showing absolutely no fear, or people will label you for your weaknesses. And two, be careful with what you say. People are minefields, you never know if what you say might make them blow up. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Three, be honest, don’t lie to people. And love them. Love is unconditionally caring, showing affection. Love is forgiveness, regardless of what they’ve done—seeing them for the human being that they are.”